Whisper in the dark

 

Once I called myself a christian yet lived in such a way that you couldn't tell the difference between myself and the rest of the world.Before Jesus saved me I thought I had was a great friend. I was such a nice person you know, doing little things to make them smile, forgetting and forgiving easily.

I thought I was a great co-worker, I knew there would always be that one person or two who talked negatively about me but I was a nice person who ignored it and smiled and THAT would take away all the snarky gossip right? Score one for me and my NICENESS.

I believed I was a great sister, compassionate, empathetic, I was an even better daughter. I went above and beyond what any child would do for a parent.

I assumed I was a wonderful Mother, I did my best, I breastfed, multiple nights on zero sleep, I prayed and played with my children, promising myself I'd be the best mom every and never let anyone raise them but me, I'd give up my dreams for them.

I was a great wife; period. Who does what I do?  I cooked ,cleaned plus I cleaned my own bathtub, scrubbed my own floors and did my own laundry. I even left the home to bring in a  paycheck. How could a husband not love me?

I thought my family loved me, I truly believed my friends adored me.....compared to everyone else I was perfect!

I read my Bible, I prayed, went to church, donated, gave, supported, I thought I had it all figured out.

But I was miserable.

My heart felt heavy, all these horrible secret things I thought and felt, they whispered to me before I fell asleep at night. The thoughts ate me alive as I tried to forget them throughout the day; this resulted in a sickness physically that ate me alive emotionally.

I began to doubt my niceness, I began to see myself for what I really was.

I was like everyone else, how was I different? What made me think that when I died I would spend eternity with God? I was in a semi hell then, all my desires and wants and little feelings about "me" eating me alive. If I felt this way now how would I feel when I died?

My Bible, was the key right? I read, searching, seeking, for assurance, for a promise. God loved me right?  The message of Christ Jesus is that God loves me. How could He not? Look how good I am! I'm nice! How much I try.... He sees that right?

Yet as I searched it came to me that my idea was far away from what my Bible said.

Christianity's object is me....right???

Where is that written in my Bible? Where did it say I could be all about me without a trace of God.

I wasn't supposed to be the object of my own faith.

I discovered that God loves me so that I might glorify Him. His Son, His ways, His greatness...but my life was all about me. What I thought, felt, believed, lived, saw, meant , was all about ME.

" But he saved us, not on the basis of deeds, which we have done in  righteousness, but according to his mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit." Titus 3:5 

I couldn't couldn't  save myself, no matter how perfect and nice I meant to be.I couldn't even live without a drink or two, or shoe shopping, without money, without friends, without my phone, my makeup my tattoos!!!!! All these things that defined wonderful little me, my kids, my dogs.

I discovered that I had to let go of me if I was going to be all about Christ.

Releasing myself was hard; I was like a person barely treading water I knew that if I didn't grab the rope and let go of the chain dragging me down I would drown.

Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Where was God in my life when I was gossiping?

Where was He while I was watching movies filled, with blasphemy and sexual content?

How was I displaying Jesus Christ while I sat on the beach in a bikini?

I wasn't a believer if you couldn't see the difference between myself and the World. I couldn't serve Him if I was too busy serving my prideful, arrogant self. How could I show a belief in an almighty God if I was promoting Brienne?

Romans 12:2 - Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Was my life acceptable according to the Bible?

I discovered it was not.And when I acknowledged that and begged God's forgiveness I felt a peace I had never known before. 

My God saved me from myself. For it was only within my own self that realization came how much I needed Jesus,needed to toss out my selfish,worldly beliefs, pastimes and idols.

I let go of my past, God covered me with his grace. That moment I sought Him and surrendered my sin, asked for forgiveness and believed that a life without Jesus was not much of a life at all. That moment I could call myself a Christian for real, it was going to be all about Him from now on.