Dear Dad

 Daddy; it's me, your little girl.

I'm all grown up.

I'm the first born; I resemble you Dad and I love coffee, bookstores, writing, cooking and gardening, just like you.

We have some memories together; like that winter night you woke me up to play in a perfect snow wonderland? You pulled me in my red sled until I couldn't up the hill anymore. We made snowballs and a snowman until I couldn't feel my fingers. Daddy if they had instagram back then what kind of hashtags would you write?

You took my brother fishing once; I asked if I could go with you sometime too. You said "sure we will."  But you must've forgotten.

Everyone else's Daddy's called their girl's "princess, baby girl and sweetheart." But you never did.

On your days off you'd stay in your room Dad. Mom told us not to bother you because you were crabby and we'd make it worse.

After a family vacation I'd hear you tell Mom how you couldn't wait to go back to work.

You sketched and painted a lot Daddy; but I never got a chance to tell you that my favorite color is green. I still don't know what yours is.

You forgot me at youth group once; you left early for work too like you did every Wednesday night all through my high school years. I called your cell phone a dozen times, you had fallen asleep in your car in a parking lot. I felt like crying when you showed up without saying anything to me.

Remember when you made me change out of my brand new skirt and sweater that mom bought me? We were late for church because nothing else I put on was good enough.

We had one Daddy/daughter date, our only ever,  I discovered that the cup of coffee you bought me came with a price. "Stop being who you are, or I'll let Mom throw you out of the house." There wasn't much to talk about after that, you took your full cup of coffee with you and drove away in your car.


Dad we didn't talk for two and a half years. I slept on a lot of couches, spent some time being hungry. I worked hard Daddy, two jobs, one time three jobs. Sometimes all I had was ramen noodles for dinner. Your pizzeria was only fifteen minutes away from where I was staying still I felt that deep down you'd tell everyone how I used you for food if I stopped in and asked for a slice of pizza.

Remember when my future husband tried calling you to ask for my hand in marriage? You hung up on him, he never got your answer.

On my wedding day Dad I asked you to give me away; I wanted you to say so many things to me, but those words never came.

We didn't see each other until the next year; I gave you and mom that card saying you're grandparents now, you wouldn't look me in the eye.

We gave our second son your name as a middle one. Did this make you smile?

When I became saved I wanted to tell everyone , especially you Dad. I wished you never learned how to text message though, the words you wrote to me in response cut me to the core.

You like some of your other children better then me. Everything I am has always rubbed you the wrong way.

I have a little girl now; we almost died when she came into this World.When we celebrated her first year of life you were there, but you sat in a corner fiddling on your cell phone. Mom had to remind you to stand up when we were ready to cut the cake.

Daddy; sometimes I hurt when my friends complain about their father's, about how much their Dad's are in their lives, treating them like they're still little girls.

When we had our house moving party you were there Dad. I was 20 weeks pregnant, I was moving boxes and loading things up. But you just sat there with your phone. When we packed up all our chairs you moved outside to sit on the porch steps.

Daddy the last time I saw you I didn't cry when I hugged you goodbye. Maybe you were glad I was leaving, if you had to choose between me and my other sister's it would be them. I wont make you choose.

Daddy I called you on your birthday last week, you thanked me for the coffee and espresso we'd sent you. We didn't talk about anything else.

They say Dad that girls always marry men like their Daddies. I've never followed rules, my children's Daddy is a strong, rugged kind of man, blonde and messy, loud and tough. He works hard like you though, and gets quiet like you too. Well I guess maybe he has a lot of your qualities Dad.

Your granddaughter runs when her Daddy asks where his baby girl is.They go on walks together, he reads her stories, and hugs her tightly.

My boys take care of me; they pick me flowers, patting my back while they promise to protect me from bad pirates. They're a lot like their own Daddy in that way.

It's Fathers day; I couldn't send you a card. I dont blame you Dad when my life is so full of good things.

Sometimes I think about you, I send text pictures of your grandchildren without a reply from you. I often wonder if you think of me. Do you  ever wonder what would happen if you called your little girl?

She'd come running.

Happy Fathers Day Daddy.

Linking up with http://calledhomejfisk.com/2014/06/12/winter-warmth-wellness-thoughtful-thursday-linky/

When you've had enough

On our journey from stuff to barely enough; you can read about it here.We had come to a living situation even smaller than before.We discovered an adorable rental; 1,000 square feet to be exact, still the backyard was the biggest we'd ever had and we bought a small, movable shed for outside. We thought this would be doable, and gave away more things in order to strategically fit everything six people and two small dogs would require.

Can I tell you how difficult it is to decide what you need and don't? How to limit everything even the amount of underwear per child? Once a week laundry isn't possible with that sort of set up. It's pretty much impossible, I mean you don't even have a place to stash multiple clothes baskets unless you want to stub your toe a dozen times a day!

I'm complaining, I know, but there is a point to this.

After the holidays, a few birthdays and such my children had accumulated a few things. All parents are highly aware of the constant battle over toys. Putting them away, not losing them, keeping all parts together and just containing the mess!  Almost all my children's things are hand me downs, pre owned or gifts. Ironically they don't even play with things I think are cool.  And that's where I begin with another point here, do children even need all the stuff they have?

My siblings and I often discuss how very little we had as children. There was nine of us, and yet my parents obviously didn't think toys were important. We were usually tossed outside for playing, we had ONE swing set with three swings a few bikes between us, a few roller blades. We used a lot of sticks, a lot of acorns, and a lot of sticks. Sticks can be almost anything to a child's imagination. My parents always asked us to make a list for Christmas; I'm still trying to understand the point in that because we neve received anything we put on the list.

We loved going over to friends house's growing up; the amazing toys there. Things we only dreamed of owning. I always remembered playdates and filed away the toys I had played with for future reference. Often to compensate I'd make myself dolls out of sewing scraps, I even used corn husks once because I had read about it somewhere. Sometimes we had dress up clothes, cast offs from our parents. We had one ball, two baby toys, a few stuffed toys each, board games and plenty of books. My little brother for six or seven years running asked for a "Zorro sword"  and dress up set every birthday and Christmas. He finally gave up asking for one around the age of twelve.

Now whether my parents had a bigger point here or just didn't care is up to you to decide. But let me tell you our children have stuff. And so do my niece's and nephew's. We  love the idea of them playing with things we only dreamed of as children ourselves. The only problem is they don't share similar feelings about all the toys as I thought they would.

Here take a look.

 

Okay so maybe that's not a lot but I have had enough with it. It's all over the place. They don't play with half of it, they have favorite's. And I'm left picking up and or trying to contain to one place in our house.

I had my older boys pick a few of their favorite things, I chose for my daughter since I know what she enjoys playing with the best. Everything else went into boxes to be put away for now. Maybe we'll rotate toys in six months. Notice I also labeled what I packed away, we hope to move soon and this will help me stay organized.

The improved result!!!!!

To me this feels better ! We refer to this room as the "toyroom" it's actually the third bedroom in our home. (Our children like to share a room for now, the new one co-sleeps with us. ) I haven't a picture to post but the closet  in this room also contains our books, table  toys and learning toys.

Growing up in a minimalist household helped me to really appreciate things and even see how throwing too much materially at my children isn't helping them at all. If they have to wade through piles of toys, if the toy thinks too much for them how will they ever develop an imaginative mindset ? Sometimes making do with what you have isn't a talent it's a learned skill. Or maybe you've just had enough.